Thursday, November 20, 2008

An Optimist's take on our Current Financial Situation

If you're anything like me, you don't have any money. While, for a long time that has been considered by some a bad thing, now is our time to shine. Our numbers are growing, and our strength is gaining. Broke people, take heart, for soon our day will come, and we will still be broke, but being broke maybe won't suck so bad as it does now, I don't know. Here's how I see it. Life is like a big game of "Sorry," but instead of four pieces to move from "start" to "home" we each just get one. You have to draw that certain special card to get out, which I think would be a particularly positive way to look at what may be a disastrous, unwanted pregnancy. Looking at life in terms of "Sorry" makes this seem much less traumatic.

If you're like me you can walk past all the news programs and headlines warning of the "FINANCIAL MELTDOWN," whistling a happy tune. You're still out on the board. It's those other suckers who thought they had made it most of the way around with their "investments" and their "retirement plans" who are now drawing the 4's, or worse yet, being sent all the way back to start.

Some people may call us poor. I prefer to call it frugal. Why, we would never spend $12.oo on a pitcher of beer, when we could just bring our own cans of Natural Ice in our pockets. Room-temperature, "pocket beer" builds character. Any more "bear markets" (whatever the hell that means), and we'll all be drinking pocket beer. The only difference is, those sissy boys with the now-worthless trust funds have gotten used to their "cold beer" and won't be able to enjoy the subtleties of pocket beer the way you and I, now connoisseurs of pocket beer, can.

Another advantage you and I have over the "middle class" is that we know which cardboard works best for shoe-sole repair. We also already know how to treat the frostbite we get from walking through the snow with nothing but the cardboard from our pocket beer boxes under our feet.

So take heart, we soon will be laughing together at those smug bastards throwing around their 5-dollar bills like they grow on trees. I've seen a 5-dollar bill, and I didn't really care for it all that much - way too Lincoln-y. At this rate though, we'll all be able to have five-dollar bills, and when we've stocked up enough of them in our mattresses, we'll be able to maybe shop at Jewel, and get us some milk that hasn't passed the date printed on the carton or some meat, meat that hasn't been put on clearance.

This day is coming, and when it does we can all crack open a warm one and celebrate!


Sarah said...

You're hilarious. What will all these rich fools do without daddy's money? LOSE AT SORRY is what they'll do.

Amy and Andrew said...

Glad you're back. And clearly, better than ever.

David said...

And, the one thing us pocket beer drinkers do buy, gas, is affordable again! Last night I walked into the station after filling up and THEY gave ME money. I say throw your hands up and enjoy this roller coaster free fall.