Monday, June 23, 2008

Guest blogger: Glenn Mumford, Bidet salesman


Have you taken a good look at your anus lately? Would you believe me if I told you that there are bacteria living in there? Shocking, I know. Most people I stop on the street look at me funny when I ask them about their BM cleanup, but here's the long and short of it, that paper you're using just ain't getting the job done. Toilet paper is old technology, and it stinks, even before you use it.
The real problem with TP is consistency in consistency. With the struggling economy, Americans are cutting back on luxuries. Gourmet coffee, Cold Stone, and Quilted Northern are the first to go, and your underwear and swim wear are getting a bum deal. 1 ply ain't gonna get the job done, and you know it.
Aren't you ready to say goodbye to dingle berries and skid marks? I've got models that range from the simple, a single spigot aimed up from the bottom of the basin to wash your inner-buttock with a simple splash of cold water, to the simply obscene, with water softeners, filters, soap applicators, massaging spigot heads, and air dryers that give the feeling of hundreds of little fairies gently blowing the water from your backside. No matter your price range, I've got a fit for your fecal cleanup needs.
Don't forget the environmental impact of not only eliminating all that waste paper, but the numerous other uses for a bidet:
  • use it as a foot wash to help eliminate foot fungus.
  • why fill up that whole bath tub when you can wash baby in the small basin of the bidet?
  • Stressed? Use the slow trickle of the bidet's tap as a serenity fountain while you relax in the bath.
The Mumford line of Bidets, started by my grandfather, Lucius Mumford, is the Rolls Royce of Bidets. Recognized as the industry leader, your Mumford bidet, will be the last bidet you ever buy.* So, call me today, and we'll get you clean between those cheeks, and you'll feel like a king (or queen) next time you leave the little boys' (or girls') room.

Customer testimonial:
"I bought a Mumford bidet AW-50, three years ago, and I've had a squeaky clean anus ever since." -Kathy B., Halifax Nova Scotia

"Since I got my Mumford AW-700 series hand-held bidet, I've been completely unafraid of sharting. I can squeeze one out for a laugh anytime without the fear of ruining another pair of underoos." -Will M., Chicago, IL

*Unless you move.

COMMENT POSTING REQUIREMENTS:
For today: If you're going to post a comment, you need to do two things first:
1) go to www.wikipedia.org and click on the random article link. This is your band's name.
2) go to http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 and use up to eight of the first words of the second quote on the page. This is the title of your debut album.

All comment posts must include a band name and a debut album title, or they WILL be deleted. And, don't cheat, the randomness is the fun.

9 comments:

Sarah said...

Band Name: At All Cost
Album: Shallow Men Believe in Luck

You're insane.

Unknown said...

Band Name: Steel Brightblade

The band name is a tribute to the brave warrior Steel Brightblade, son of Sturm Brightblade and Kitiara Uth Matar, who was wounded in the Choas war after his dragon Flare was killed. He wounds were severe and Steel died shortly after the battles end.

Debut Album (soon to go platinum):For All That Has Been, Thanks

Oh, and if those t-shirts are printed on American Apparel, put me down for one in a size M.

Jim L said...

Band name: Balanced audio
Album: I stand by all the misstatements (that I've made).

I recently stayed in an apartment with a bidet. I was terrified to use it. What if I messed up and sprayed wet poop water all over the wall? Which is to say, bidets need to come with some sort of training course. I'm thinking week-long, intensive, emphasizing both technique and style.

Unknown said...

Band Name: Jörgen

Ve are a rock-out cool bahnd from Austria that combines death metal
vith German folk musik. The title of our top awesome debut album is called "The Biggest Thing Frida Brought Into My Life". If you listen to dis complex and totally rad record, you will rehalize dat The Biggest Thing Frida Brought Into My Life was actually Frida. Sehriously. She was huge. Our drummer Hans dressed up like a cow for a cohncert und Frida ate him. I am not joking.

I forgot what I was originally going to comment on.

Carissa said...

Band Name: Rose Hill, Harris County, Texas
Album: Don't Read the Fine Print

Really I just wanted to find my band name.

scotty said...

band name: Have Mercy on Us All
Album: If there were no God

I don't get it.

hannahleman@gmail.com said...

we have a bidet. rosie drinks out of it.

band name. club universe.
album. good taste is the enemy.

Unknown said...

We are: Cygnus X1 Our album: "Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage(,) The"

Well, I read this while I was in fact using the commode and I figured I am in the market. However, with my bathroom being less than large, I wondered if Dr. Glenn Mumford had something in the way of a “low sink”? Ya know…one of those two birds with one stone type of deals. As long as the porcelain isn’t white, sign me up.

Mark H said...

Band Name: LaFontaine
Album: What is Right

I think my band sounds like a band that sucks, like Daughtry.